What a Quarter Horse Taught Me

I’m 53, old to be returning to riding perhaps. But riding again has always been a dream of mine.

I had planned on purchasing an aging, quiet horse, one not so different from me but one of my friends, Anna, said she had the perfect match for me, a three year old quarter horse named Shadow.

We are a contrast Shadow and I. She is young, vibrant full of movement. I’m older, methodical and careful.

Our differences became apparent this week as the seasons began to change. With frost on the ground, Shadow has become energized while I cling to my jacket and wish for warmer climates.

We start off on our daily trail ride over Red Pine Mountain but today Shadow changes the rules. She balks, she spins, she rears and no amount of my coaxing will urge her on. Aware of my fragility, I dismount and lead her home. Shadow prances by my side and I can see the triumph in her eyes.

I try again and the pattern repeats itself. Another day goes by and I am afraid to mount her. In this battle of old versus young, youth is triumphant.

I call Anna and tell her I need help. “What have I done? I’m not up to this. All I want to do is walk along the trails.” I am whining.

Anna arrives. There is Shadow, confident, pawing the ground, and me, a scared and quivering lump.

She quickly assesses the situation.
“Go get on her.”
“Me, you want me to get on her? No, no, no, I’m too scared.”
“Take a deep breath and just do it.” Anna says.
I approach Shadow hesitantly and put my foot in the stirrup. Shadow starts to walk away. Anna takes her back to her place and makes her stand. I sit in the saddle for the first time in a few days. My heart starts pounding.
Shadow walks off and immediately starts prancing, spinning, turning.
“No, no, no I can’t do this.” I start to cry.
“Yes, you can just breathe and relax.”
The lesson continues for an hour, a long, grueling hour.
Then, Anna has me do one more final lap around the ring.
“Let’s end here for today.”
I dismount, happy to feel the ground safely beneath me once again.
But Anna has more to tell me.
“It’s a confidence issue. Some people can work through their fears because they love to ride. Yes, they are fearful but they do it anyway. For others the fear becomes too great and they just quit. Shadow isn’t a dangerous or bad horse. She’s testing you and she has the upper hand at the moment. It’s really up to you.”

Anna leaves.
I go into the house and start to cry tears of self pity. Copious tears. “Why me, if I only had another horse it would be better.” I am tired of crying. I start to reflect.
Confidence.
I’ve been totally lacking in confidence this past week. I’ve buckled under to a pushy young horse and I’ve been scared and frightened. Shadow has been testing her boundaries and I’ve been a poor, unsure leader.
I think about how important riding is to me, about my dreams and hopes for the future and the love for horses I’ve had all my life.
Here, in my barn is my very own horse. How lucky am I to have a horse. She is depending on me for guidance and I’m letting her down.
I take a deep breath, acknowledge my fear one last time and say a prayer.
Let it go.
I return to Shadow and put the saddle back on her. I have no hesitancy now. I know what I must do.
We walk up the mountain through our woods. It is beautiful. I think of nothing but the road ahead, where I want to be. Shadow comes along with me.
On the way back, Shadow stops at some deep grass. I urge her along. She starts to spin. I breathe deeply, relax and think about what Anna has told me. I create a mental image in my mind, pull my left rein. Shadow moves on.
Back home, success. But I never doubted the outcome this time.
There will be other days, more struggles as we learn to work as a team.
But I’ll never give up on this dream of mine.
I hope one day I can say that I’m more than the sum of my fears.