My Struggles

This is the day which the LORD has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118, Verse 24)

I strive to rejoice and be glad every day but sometimes life is fraught with struggles and rejoicing is not easy. I’d like to share my struggles this past winter.

In December of last year, Mountain Man, the six dogs and I left Vermont for a rural area in a warmer climate. It seemed like a good plan. We would escape the harsh winter and get to know a different part of the country hopefully furthering along our plan to leave Vermont some day. We purchased a ramshackle old farmhouse with the intention of fixing it up and selling it. We left on our adventure with high hopes and even higher expectations but once we arrived the reality was quite different.

I was shocked to see the poverty that exists in some of our rural areas and I learned that there are very limited opportunities as well. Not only are jobs practically non-existent but amenities we take for granted don’t exist.

I discovered internet service was one of the amenities I could no longer take for granted. I had known I’d be using dial up but when I spoke with the local phone company, I discovered “online” time was charged as data usage and there would be a fee of 10 cents for every minute I spent online. That’s quite a high fee in an area where people struggle to put food on the table.

There was no cable service so I tried to get satellite internet installed. Yes, the company would be happy to sell me satellite service but the problem was there were no certified installers in my area and no, I could not install it myself.

Next, I tried to get wireless internet through the cell phone company. I took the gadget home but quickly discovered there were no towers in my area. We bought signal boosters and everything else the company suggested. We drove around back roads, through our fields, all searching for an elusive signal but we never found one strong enough. The equipment was returned.

For me, an internet junkie who lives for email and connecting with friends, this loss of access was a hard blow.

Then, there was the weather. Although we were in an area where it did get cold, the cold was not supposed to be the same as the subzero weather of Vermont winters. I had expected to spend my time outside with the dogs while Mountain Man worked on the house but day after day of freezing rain, snow, blizzards and storms covered our world in ice that made it dangerous to leave the house. The house was torn apart, filthy, and inhabited by creatures in the walls. Mountain Man was working at a feverish pace on the remodeling but I was in his way, the dogs were in his way and while we tried to negotiate a middle ground, I fell into a deep depression.

I was away from everything I knew and my life as I had known it had disappeared. It was almost as if a wall of darkness had fallen throughout my mind. Everything became distorted and difficult.

I still had one thing I was eagerly anticipating. I had signed up for an online writing course through a university. There within a supportive workshop group, I could hone my craft or at least I thought that was the case. I soon learned that there exists in some of the world of academia, a level of snobbery not usually encountered in my every day life. Fueled by this prejudice, I became very angry and as my anger deepened so did the fog upon my mind.

And then there were neighbor issues that involved a particularly acrimonious divorce.

All these events added up to the chaos that was now my life and I kept spiraling downwards. Each morning as I awoke and looked at the beautiful world, I thanked God for all my blessings but my thanks felt hollow. I struggled to find a balance but in my skewered perception the negatives were overwhelming the positives. Soon, my relationship with Mountain Man was showing the effects of my unhappiness. He bent over backwards trying to find some way to reach me but I was locked away in my painful world. I turned to prayer more than ever before and it was in God’s word I found solace.

I clung to verses such as: Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

I couldn’t live with myself and the person I was becoming. I knew I had to make some changes. I read Philippians 4:13 and took the words to heart. “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

First and foremost I had to repair my relationship with Mountain Man. We sat down, had a long talk and discussed openly all the problems we were having. Our discussion had the effect of renewing our commitment to each other and the relationship. We emerged a stronger couple.

I realized my anger about my writing class was counterproductive. I let it go and when I did, I found my voice and produced some of the finest writing I have ever done. I also realized that when I allow another person’s opinion of my abilities to stand as validation, I emerge the loser. Don’t allow anyone to dissuade you from following your dreams.

I also realized how privileged we are and that not all of our country has the opportunities and standard of living so many of us take for granted.

I understand now how terrible it is to be locked into a dark place in your mind. My heart goes out to those struggling with depression every day and I cringe when I think of well meaning people who tell the depressed to just get over it. Would it were that simple.

I hope my experiences this past winter have deepened my compassion and renewed my thankfulness for all that I have in my life.

All of life is a learning experience and where ever we are at a given moment in time is where we are meant to be. I believe last winter’s struggles were all a part of God’s plan to make me a more aware, sentient human being and for the experiences in my life I give thanks.