For Those Struggling with Weight Issues

This post is not for those who are trying to lose 15 or so pounds.

This post is for those of you who are obese or are struggling with an eating disorder. I've been visiting blogs and reading about New Year's resolutions to lose weight and while that is an admirable resolution, for those of us who struggle with obesity and body image issues, you are most likely setting yourself up for failure. And, failure for us means eating even more and gaining more weight which will lead to more self loathing.

I have had an eating disorder since my late childhood years. It was borne of a struggle between my Mother and me. My Mother believed I was fat and as a child, I believed her and my issues with food turned into a nightmare. While my Mother tried to control my weight with diet doctors, diet pills and other methods, I rebelled, became a "closet" eater and developed a love/hate relationship with food. I looked in the mirror and saw an ugly girl, grossly fat, who because of her fat would never find true love or happiness in life. If I had a penny for every time I heard, "But you have such a pretty face," I'd be wealthy. I learned how to binge eat, in private, and then in public I would refuse food because no one wanted to see a fat girl eating.

As a young adult, I was hesitant, unsure and always, always worried about what people thought of me or were saying about me. I was certain every lowered voice was making fun of me and the way I looked.

As I aged, I tried everything I could imagine to cope with my weight; diet groups, diet books, prepackaged diets. I wish I had the money back for all that I spent. None of them did any good. Sure, I'd lose a pound or two but then I'd gain it all back along with even more pounds and my self loathing would grow.

There are very few pictures of me in existence. I fled from the camera ashamed to have my image captured on film.

As I approached 40, my weight ballooned until I was over 200 pounds. I was ill, sluggish and I started taking medicine to control my skyrocketing blood pressure. I was also very hostile to any suggestions that I lose weight. "How dare they," ran through my head and I'd go home and eat even more.

I found the home shopping channels which sell clothing catering to women of my plus size and I started ordering everything. My pants no longer had waists, they pulled on, and I could eat even more.

As my relationship grew with God, I started to spend more time in prayer. I looked back to my younger years and my familial relationships and I let go of the grudges I was nursing. My eating, which had been an attempt originally to hurt my Mother and have some control in my life, was destroying only me.

I resolved to make food a non-issue in my life. I threw out the scale, told myself there were no "forbidden" foods and allowed myself to walk the grocery store aisles and buy whatever I wanted without a feeling of guilt.

I joined a gym and started to swim, just a few laps at a time. While I was swimming, my thoughts would wander, my mind would clear and I would totally relax. I enjoyed the feeling so I began to swim more. It never was a contest of how many laps a day I'd swim but rather a reluctance to stop swimming because I enjoyed the peace I had when I was moving in the water.

My clothes started to become too large. I bought some smaller clothes with actual waistbands.

I kept going to the gym, every day, without fail. I expanded my routine and started walking on the treadmill. Slowly at first. I remember the first day I actually ran. I couldn't believe it. I thought I was going to have a heart attack but then the endorphins kicked in and what a natural rush that was. I thought I could run forever.

From the treadmill, I started lifting weights and watched as I sculpted my body. I looked in the mirror and couldn't believe it was me.

I kept on eating all my favorite foods; rice pudding, breads, pastas, sauces, but I required less to be full.

I made peace with my past and I savored my present.

I've lost about 100 pounds and I've kept it off. I do it through daily physical exercise and by giving myself permission to eat. I no longer sneak off into a closet to have a snack nor drive to a fast food restaurant when I'm by myself. I eat openly and enjoy each bite I take.

I stopped caring what others think about me, the way I look, the person I am. I am a child of God and that is more than enough.

I will always struggle with familial issues and when I am overwhelmed or feeling sad, I now turn to prayer. I thank God for the clarity I have today for without my struggles, I would not be able to so fully appreciate the here and now.

It is a terrible waste of a life when we struggle with body image issues. We become our physical selves. Our reflection in the mirror or the numbers on the scale define us and we always come up wanting. We have such a negative, self loathing dialog going on in our heads.

We are so much more than our appearance. We have a heart, a soul. We are kind, we nurture others, we live productive, good lives. Don't let your weight define you. Be good to yourself every day. Try to foster a positive dialog with yourself. Turn to groups such as Overeaters Anonymous if you need group support. Spend time in prayer if you are religious. But please, don't waste your life berating the way you look. Life is short, precious; as are you.

One of the few photos in existence of me today. A copy of a picture actually.